這也太直接了,都不好意思看了!!




1、我对媳妇说:「老婆,我很久都没有那种心惊肉跳的感觉了。」

第二天媳妇带我逛了珠宝首饰店……

2、今天看老婆杀鱼笨手笨脚的样子想羞辱他一下,就问:你和猪什麽关系啊?
谁知她扭过头回:夫妻关系……

3、我和老婆闹别扭,就在小房间睡觉。她拿把大剪刀给我的蚊帐剪了个大口子,说:让蚊子咬死你!
过了大概一个小时,老婆拿着透明胶来了,把刚刚剪坏的蚊帐黏在一起了!
我的心啊,这个感动的啊,心想老婆就是刀子嘴豆腐心,还是很心疼自己的!
我刚要说什麽,她自言自语:蚊子进去的差不多的了,别让他们跑了。

4、晚上老婆说要分担家务,就问我:洗碗跟拖地你选哪个?我说洗碗。
洗完碗后老婆又问:洗小孩跟拖地你选哪个?我说拖地。
拖完地老婆又问:洗衣服和洗小孩你选哪个?我说洗小孩。
洗完小孩老婆又问我:洗衣服带小孩睡觉你选哪个?我说洗衣服。
洗完衣服看到老婆和孩子睡着了,我忽然觉得好像哪里不对。。。

5、一天,正当我埋头看报纸,老婆忽然说我应该去配一副眼镜了。
天天电脑、电视,这眼睛还真是有点近视了,看来妻子对我是越来越体贴了,想到里,顿时一股暖流涌上心头。
我说:「准备明天有空的时候去眼镜店对一下视力表。」
老婆立刻表示:「现在她就可以给我测试一下视力。」她往门角一指,问:「你看到了什麽?」
我答:「一个塑料袋子。」
「什麽颜色的?」
「红色的。」
「干什麽用的?」
「装垃圾用的。」
「是空的还是满的?」
「满的。」
「视力很好嘛,可为啥每次你出门,经过这个装得满满的垃圾袋子,却总是视而不见。我还以为你近视了呢!」
我……


6、妻子过生日,想买一件毛皮大衣,便对丈夫说:「亲爱的,我生日快到了,你不去为我看看毛皮吗?」
丈夫一拍大腿:「好主意,咱俩一块去。不过得快点,不然动物园就关门了。」

7、丈夫:「结婚以後,我才知道婚姻是沉重的枷锁!」
妻子:「那当然,所以才要两个人共同承担。」
丈夫试探着问:「你说要是三个人一起承担这些压力的话,你说压力会不会减轻些?」。

8、丈夫:「谢谢你在邻居面前夸我有才华。」
妻子说:「你要钱没钱,要貌没貌,要地位没地位,我要不说你有才华,别人还不得骂我傻啊。」

9、老婆来电:老公,大事不好。今天咱们小区混进了几个贼,咱家也被光顾了!
我急忙问:丢东西了吗?
老婆:家里被翻得乱七八糟,衣橱里的1万块没了。还丢了什东西,我正在清理,警察下午来看过了。好在那几个贼已经被察抓住了,正在核对失窃清单。
我:快去看看床头挂的那张结婚照。相框後面有一个用双面胶粘住的红包,里面有两万块!
老婆搁下电话。两分钟后….
老婆问:我把相框取下来看了,什麽也没有。


我心想如此神仙难料的地方都能找到,看来今天遇到的绝不是普通的笨贼。
我说赶紧叫老婆再去卫生间看看,说:马桶水箱靠墙那面有个缝,塞了一个黑色塑料袋,你看看还有没有。
5分钟后,老婆打来电话:没有,是不是你记错了地方?
我着急地说:不可能。出差前我还检查过。整整4万块,全是连号的百元新钞。那是去年我从公司发给我发的奖金里扣下来的
老婆追问:就这些了吗,还有没有忘记的?
我:没有了,只有这6万块。

我提醒老婆:一定要把那些钱跟警察讲清楚。
老婆轻松淡定,回答:好的。感谢你在本次家庭防盗演习中的出色表现……
我立即晕倒,仰天长啸,女人,你到底是啥东西变的?

文章來源: http://thepeopleinsider.blogspot.com/2014/11/blog-post_99.html

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